This is gonna be a long one.
I’ve been working on this on/off now for longer than I can remember and finally decided it was time to revisit it and finish it once and for all. Let me preface this by saying that it is my sincere hope that what I have written here comes across as it’s meant to and not in any way that’s disrespectful, negative or showing carelessness for any victims of wrong-doers and/or committed crimes. That’s not how I intend to come across with this article, but it’s rather shit one ponders sometimes, as I have many times before by playing the devil’s advocate.
Ya know with all the shit surfacing in recent times from #metoo movements, to #pedogates, I’ve been thinking a lot about the interpretations we have based on our upbringings, age, patterns, timing, experiences, etc. With so many people involved lately in unlawful interactions with minors, same sex/opposite sex, some of whom I have known personally which is troubling enough at times to grasp, I always try to think about things on an individual basis, not lumped in by a particular stereotype or popular opinion. Although tough topics can be a bit of a quandary, I do attempt to understand better. Like many out in the world today, I too have been a “victim” of multiple, questionable circumstances in my younger years. Do I consider myself a victim? In many instances, I can’t say that I do. Although I eventually became aware of things that were certainly right or wrong, I processed things differently and chose a different outlook. But I also realize others might perceive similar things in an opposite light and this is one reason I find myself writing this and remain intrigued by individual experiences. Now please understand; I do not condone certain behaviors or violence against anyone, although at times my thought processes or words might beg to differ regarding those, I feel might deserve an old school ass whooping. I can rationalize to a degree circumstance, emotions getting the better of oneself and also making poor choices in the moment. There are also times when one might wonder, does the punishment fit the crime and should it really be an eye for an eye, tooth for fucking tooth. We are all human, all capable of mistakes and equally capable of being the saint and the sinner. I am also a realist. I look at the whole picture, I look at all the details, I ask questions, I don’t assume because I learned from a tender age that makes an ass out of u and me. The now grown adult, the mother figure, the type of woman I am sees things somewhat differently than the younger, naïve girl I once was. I think we all go through these life phases, some sooner than others and during our lifespan see things from differing points of view as we age and journey through experiences. Nowadays, after over four decades on this unruly planet, I could easily say many times without a blink of an eye that any grown man (or woman to be fair) over 18 years of age and considered to be an adult, screwing around (physically, sexually) with what is considered a minor under 18 years of age is wrong and by law doing something potentially illegal. I think many of us would consider to have similar viewpoints unless of course, we were raised culturally different. But this is also tricky, because when we think about say a 20 y/o dating a 17 y/o, is it really that wrong then? To what extent do we consider what’s wrong, actually wrong? Just because the law says so? And to what degree do we hold people accountable, both adults & minors?
Now I fucking guarantee that I am not the only woman out there who was once a curious teenage girl, pining for the attention of an older man because I was looking for something that I felt the boys my age were incapable of offering. For me it was ultimately maturity and life experience. For others maybe it was something beyond maturity. Maybe it was attention, or something monetary, access to drugs/alcohol, someone with a car, whatever that poison may be, there was something potentially appealing. For the guys out there maybe they had lustful thoughts or crushes on Ms. Robinson or Stacy’s mom cause she had it going on lol. Maybe same sex experimentation seemed more exciting with someone with actual experience under their belt, or just maybe I thought age really was just a number as so many people around me had said over and over; somehow, I thought these variances in age really didn’t matter until they really did. Whether it be a slight few years’ age difference to something more drastic, I can guarantee everyone’s thoughts on this would be different and potentially up for debate, but again, who would ultimately be right?...
Throughout my teens I was flirted with or had advances made upon me by many a grown man who I guess should have known better. In most cases though I didn’t think anything inherently was wrong with these scenarios for whatever reason, or if I did, I usually laughed it off and made jokes with others about those who I thought were probably just perverted and not completely walking the straight and narrow for one reason or another. In some of those instances I was equally at fault in some way because I was reciprocating the attention in return, willfully and consensually. Although, one might argue the consensual side of a teenager’s choices, I still feel there is enough mental capacity to understand the situation and one’s actions, just maybe not the willpower, courage or enough sense to instill proper boundaries and knowing or having the ability to say no. Many girls take this poor rationalizing with them well into adulthood and again there are varying reasons for the related fear behind such actions or lack thereof. For myself, there were times when I realized something was amiss or there was a feeling that a situation was wrong, someone attempted to cross a line, take things too far or just gave off a creeper vibe altogether. Or those few times I was actually stalked by someone mentally unfit and couldn’t understand why or how to properly interpret one’s motives or maybe put my foot down when I felt something was just not right. Some of us sadly had grown up way before our time, not by choice, which in turn prompted choices and decisions that weren’t necessarily right but made in the moment with the skills or lack of experience that was had and inevitably would leave relentless scars to work through later on into life. There are still so many looming questions that were never fully answered and may never be answered. But as time passes, some of us learn a great deal by the trials, tribulations and experiences we go through. Eventually we figure some things out and hopefully not too late.
In the same vein, growing up with my love of music and always wanting to be a career musician (among other endeavors), my chosen path would inherently produce more issues and temptations than meets the eye. Cause let’s be real, the music biz, rock ‘n’ roll, is not for the faint of heart; always has been, always will be and the snakes slither wild in the grass so you always have to watch your step. Growing up around the scene pretty much my entire life, I was always out at shows and around many musicians from a very young age. As I got older, coming into my own, some that crossed my path were certainly more interested in their deviant thoughts, or what they hoped they could get from me rather than what musical ability or intellectual convos I brought to the table. I started a music career at a time when management and labels still wanted more than their female talent to sign a deal instead wanting more than just their soul and luckily, I had the strength to push back against the walls these vile fucks created with my dignity still intact. Yet again, imagine this… A young girl staring into the eyes of a potential adult male crush, the elusive rockstar and an enamored girl filled with desire, curiosity and seeing things from very different aspects, is sometimes blinded by the allure. Hell; if someone would have told me as a young girl that my older male crush had the hots for me, I would have been over the moon and none the wiser, no matter how weird or stupid it might be or what anyone might have thought otherwise. I would have potentially considered things I maybe knew to be wrong or wasn’t yet prepared to handle but yet suddenly flew out the window along with any sensibility I had in my tiny skull. Shit, some young ladies might have already been flat on their back by that point; thankfully I was not one of them. I somehow had a bit more willpower, at least until my early 20’s lol.
But maybe there came a time when you found out as an adult some uneasy truths that made you seemingly uncomfortable or question all the what ifs. Maybe you had spent time with someone in a position of trust that should have known better that had their eye on you, or even attempted something deplorable. Maybe you were allowed by someone you trusted to be around something or someone that you shouldn’t have been around, unbeknownst to that trusted party or not. Maybe you found out years later that a person who was around you so many times as a youngster, befriended your family, etc was later arrested for abusing children and you think to yourself, that could have been me… What if it was?
I believe most of us can agree that a grown adult, male or female, should have some sense of discernment, responsibility, accountability, wherewithal and ultimately know that there are lines you just don’t cross and some that are so perverse that it would take a seriously mentally ill person to reenact some of the deviant acts that cross into their puzzled, sickened minds. Whether ill, feeding an overpowered ego, undealt abuse in their lives, or just a sick psychopath who thrives off evil to no bounds, do we ever stop to really think about the whole picture? No. How does one define what is right or wrong, what is too little or too much, who we forgive or absolve of their sins and transgressions and who we would never turn a blind eye to? I guess I’ve just always found it interesting that in certain cases and I’m talking about “consensual type” acts of naïve innocence, such as flirting; not rape, not kidnapping. Do we never think twice about the minor’s actions as well as the adults? I look back now at all these instances in my young life and see things so much differently now than I ever would have back in those days and can’t help but wonder, am I also a part of the problem. Could it be the way I was raised or the lack of care and attention I received? Potentially. Could it be the lack of proper guidance or things I bore witness to as a child that no child should ever see or experience? Again, maybe. But I think one thing is for certain, we pretty much all have faced these realities in one way or another and only you can decide for you what is right or wrong. Shouldn’t everyone be held accountable, maybe to varying degrees? As much as I can see the whole picture now, as much as I made choices that were good or bad, as much as I was around people or situations that should have been avoided, I have been armed with real experience and for what it’s worth, the decisions I have made and those made for me are not something I take lightly.
As much as I understand we are all curious creatures and kids will be kids and adults will make mistakes, I am not so sure that at least in this stage of the game that if any adult were to try anything with my minor child that not only would my child have some serious consequences in the very least, but said adult would also have the better part of my foot up their ass! I sometimes wonder now if this is how my father felt. My father was fairly strict by old school standards, even though his upbringing, life within the music industry, etc would have seemingly contradicted this thought. He was one of those men that believed he could control his only daughter not entering the dating world till her 30’s and that also included no makeup, no bikinis and no boys at the house! Luckily, a few platonic male friends were able to get past the house hangout rule after I turned 16 y/o (yes Tim, we know you were the proud first lol and my Dad still loves you to this day) but low and behold my first real boyfriend whom my father actually approved of and liked was technically an adult while I was still a minor; go figure. Although we knew each other since Junior High, I was left to pine for my puppy love crush for another few years before our relationship eventually started when I was roughly 16 and he 18. To many that’s not a head turning difference, nor something most would ever bat an eyelash or disapprove of; even my father! But by law, it was certainly labeled as wrong, yet no one seemed to think so. So, in closing, I can’t help but wonder… Who would disapprove now in this day and age, how similar or divided we would be in our opinion of such interactions and ultimately, what would you do?
© 09/13/22 Renee Lopez
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