I gotta take a short break from creating to vent for a minute. I apologize in advance for this but some shit has been nagging at me since earlier today and even though I know it won’t really do no good to waste more energy wondering why some people do what they do, I can’t help but wonder WTH.
The past few days after conversing with certain friends, I’ve been reflecting more about family or lack thereof, the holidays, etc. I remember thinking when I was young that even though growing up/life was tough and rather hellacious at times, that there were also the seldom nice points like many holidays when the fam would go to my Aunt & Uncle’s house and there would always be a huge feast filled with a ton of fam/friends, arguing, laughter and what appeared to be love. Then over the years many of us grew apart and the semblance of any real family was lost for one reason or another.
Now, I’m a dinosaur in many ways. What I mean by this; I still write letters with a pen & paper, I still send bday cards, holiday cards, use a phone to call and talk with people, maintain integrity, loyalty and above all just being real. When I became an adult I finally found my voice. I was able to respect myself more and stand up for myself and what I believed instead of following the expected norm of being seen and not heard. The second I did that most everyone abandoned me and wrote me off. They didn’t like that I had a voice especially if it wasn’t in accordance with their ignorant ways. But yet to some extent I still tried. Not always for them, but sometimes just for myself. I wanted to stay true to who I was and show that no matter what I still gave a damn. I stayed true to myself, tried to maintain any kind of relationship with some members of the family that I felt still had a fighting chance, but yet many times it was all in vain and never reciprocated. You can only give so much of yourself before there is nothing left. I know when you give you shouldn’t necessarily expect anything in return but who the hell wouldn’t want to get respect, love and compassion in return?
I slowly started to pull back once and for all. No matter how many times I was told the lie that blood was thicker than water, I found that blood to be in anyone you considered real family, whether that be your friend, relative, yourself or something in between. And even through the countless amounts of trials I’ve endured and the strength I’ve received as compensation, it still sits in the back of my mind like a scorned child that the days of what I thought a real family life was supposed to look like are nothing more than a figment of the past and a well-constructed fantasy. I’ve had to create new ways of piecing life together in order to make it familiar to me and find some sort of balance which still some days seems so damn elusive. Take a few parts tradition and add it to new views and ideals and while I think I’m doing pretty damn well thus far in surviving this sick game called life I also know in the pit of my heart that I could never be blamed for not trying hard enough when there are still some out there that never cared about trying hard enough for me. That kinda stings sometimes...
So what really sprung this early morning rant?...Easter. Now yesterday, I had a convo via Skype with my father; another person with whom I don’t really have the best relationship with, although it would be nice if this were different. He relayed that practically many of my family (the ones I basically grew up having those holidays with) were all in town visiting for the holiday but yet my invite must have gotten lost in the mail. I can’t say I’m surprised considering where things are at and I’m not tryin to pull the victim card from the deck but it really just burns my ass how some people can be so vile and heartless to pretend that something else matters more than what should be important and could treat their “blood” with such contempt. But I guess at the end of the day that’s their cross to bear and so shall be mine.
… I know many can relate to this and definitely one person in particular who I know has been fighting this demon again recently. I’m not alone and neither are you. Never apologize for being who you are; perfectly flawed, loved or hated, felt from deep within or tragically misunderstood; you are you. We can’t run & hide from ourselves or our shadow; our ghost follows us everywhere. ;)
© 04/01/13 Renee Lopez
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